Ever made excuses for someone who is always hurting you? And even when the relationship causes great pain, you feel a powerful, addictive pull to that person?
It might be trauma bonding—the compelling emotional attachment that forms from cycles of abuse, devaluation, and intermittent reward—not love or respect. Yet, despite the illusion of an authentic love relationship, trauma bonds create confusion, erode self-esteem, and make leaving feel impossible.
In this article I’ll help you identify the 10 key signs of a trauma bond and provide practical guidelines on breaking the cycle and reclaiming your life.
What is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment developed through cycles of abuse and reconciliation. It often leaves a person feeling trapped and confused about their relationship to the abuser.
Trauma bonds typically develop due to past adverse experiences, frequently in childhood, with unresolved wounds. They may be prone to having relationships that reproduce those unhealthy dynamics, even if they are unhealthy [1].
Originally coined by psychologist Patrick Carnes in 1997, the term “trauma bonds” is tied to the concept of a “cycle of abuse”, itself based on the biological principle of intermittent reinforcement [2]. In very simple terms, you can think of it as a slot machine. The unpredictable “win” (affection and kindness) creates the addiction, not constant reward or constant punishment.
This powerful psychological mechanism, which has many aspects of addiction, shows in specific, recognizable ways. Recognizing the signs is the first step toward breaking free from this destructive cycle, followed by a series of actionable strategies for healing and recovery [3].
10 Signs of Trauma Bonding
Here are 10 signs that are typical of a trauma-bonded relationship:
- Rationalizing abusive behavior: You feel a pervasive sense of guilt for wanting to leave. Even the mere thought of leaving brings intense guilt and anxiety as you say to yourself “how will they cope without me”.
- Despite harm, feeling addicted to the relationship: You “know” you are the only one who can “fix” or “save” them. You take responsibility for their happiness. You absolutely believe your love and patience will change them…eventually.
- Excusing or justifying their actions: You make excuses for their hurtful behavior. You justify their actions to friends, family, and yourself (“He’s just stressed,” “She didn’t mean it”).
- Avoiding conflict by walking on eggshells: To avoid triggering their anger or disapproval, you are constantly hypervigilant as you carefully watch your words and actions.
- Cyclical intense highs and lows: You’re caught in a rollercoaster of push and pull with a cycle of intense arguments, silent treatments, or breakups, followed by “love bombing” and passionate reconciliation.
- Isolating yourself from friends or family: You distance yourself from your support system since they show concern. Or, because it’s easier than dealing with your partner’s jealousy and disapproval.
- Self-blaming for the abuse: Your self-esteem has been decimated. You no longer trust your own judgment. You feel unworthy of better treatment. You believe you “deserve” these negative feelings.
- Is it love or intensity?: When all is well, things feel exceptionally intense. The periods of kindness, affection, or apology feel euphoric. They are “proof” the relationship is worth the pain.
- Broken promises, but staying anyway: You have an irrational sense of loyalty to someone who causes you pain, even when you know you are being mistreated.
- Hard to imagine life without them: Despite the misery, you feel fused with the relationship as the thought of leaving creates a feeling of emptiness and terror.
Why Trauma Bonding Happens
Abandonment and trauma are at the core of addictions, according to Carnes. The attachment wounds of abandonment cause deep shame. And abandonment by betrayal is worse. Trauma bonds all involve exploitation of trust or power or both. And they all can result in a highly addictive trauma bond with a person who is typically narcissistic, dangerous, exploitative and hurtful to them.
Most commonly associated with romantic relationships, especially if it involves narcissism, trauma bonds can happen in any form of relationship: romantic, familial, friendship, and even workplace [4]. Trauma bonds are most likely to occur in the following situations [2]:
| Domestic violence | Incest and child abuse |
| Dysfunctional marriages | Kidnapping |
| Exploitation in the workplace | Litigation |
| Religious abuse | Hostage situations |
| Cults | Terrorism |
The Impact of Trauma Bonding on Mental Health
Trauma bonding systematically dismantles mental well-being by keeping the nervous system and the body in a perpetual state of alert. Similar to addiction, the cyclical nature of abuse and reward creates a cruel psychological dependency.
This chronic stress can take the form of crippling anxiety, depression, and complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). Victims often explain away the abuse, which erodes their trust in themselves and their critical thinking.
As the victim’s identity becomes fused with the abusive relationship, the trauma bond feeds intense feelings of worthlessness, shame, and isolation. This makes it very difficult for the person to form healthy relationships. Ultimately, it traps a person in a survival mode where their core beliefs about safety, self, and the world are shattered, making recovery without external support profoundly difficult.
Breaking the Trauma Bonding Cycle
When freeing yourself from a trauma bond, consider these steps. While you may feel alone, there is support available to help you
- Acknowledge and Name It: The first and most crucial step is to admit that you are in a trauma bond. Writing it down can make it real.
- Go No-Contact (If Possible): Breaking the addiction requires complete withdrawal. This means blocking numbers, unfollowing on social media, and avoiding places you might see the abuser. This is the hardest step.
- Rebuild Your Support System: Don’t remain isolated. Let people back into your life. Confide in a trusted friend, family member, or a support group.
- Sense of Self: Rediscover hobbies, goals, and aspects of yourself that existed outside the relationship. Focus on self-care with physical health (sleep, nutrition, exercise).
- Get Professional Help: Ask for help to find a therapist with a trauma-informed approach to help you process the experience and rebuild self-worth.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Fight against self-blame. Use mantras like, “I was doing the best I could in a difficult situation. I am now choosing to do better for myself.”
- Create a Safety Plan (If in immediate danger): A plan identifies resources like the local hotlines or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for readers who may be in physical danger.
Finding Support for Healing at Corner Canyon
Treatment for mental health conditions and trauma is available in Utah. Are you or a loved one looking for a compassionate space to heal from anxiety, trauma, PTSD, CPTSD, other mental health conditions, or addictions? Our licensed trauma-informed professional therapists and counselors at Corner Canyon Health Centers can provide compassionate help using a range of therapeutic and holistic techniques.
Reach out to our Admissions team now at Corner Canyon. We’re in a peaceful setting bordered by the beautiful Wasatch Mountains.
Sources
[1] Kim J. 2023. How to Break Free From a Trauma Bond. PsychologyToday.com
[2] Carnes P. (nd). CSAT Trauma Bonds Course.
[3] The Attachment Project. nd. 10 Trauma Bonding Signs: How to Recognize a Trauma Bond and Protect Yourself.
[4] The Attachment Project. (nd). How to Break a Trauma Bond.
