You may know two people who both seem distant in relationships, but for seemingly different reasons. One is cold and self-reliant, the other is anxious and conflicted. Attachment theory helps to explain this. It is a framework for understanding how we connect in relationships, stemming from our early bonds with caregivers.
Knowing about attachment styles can be very helpful in understanding ourselves, others, and our relationships with them. Different attachment styles in infancy are associated with different psychological outcomes in childhood and later life.
In this article, I explain the differences between two different types of avoidant insecure attachment: fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant, as they are driven by distinct internal worlds. These insecure attachment styles influence emotional regulation, interpersonal relationships, and coping mechanisms, thereby worsening feelings of isolation and despair.
Insecure or disrupted attachment undermines resilience, impedes therapeutic engagement, and is frequently accompanied by psychopathological symptoms such as depression, anxiety, and emotional dysregulation, all of which amplify vulnerability to self-destructive behaviours such as suicide [1].
What Are the Attachment Styles?
Adult attachment styles can be viewed as follows:
| SECURE | You feel comfortable with both intimacy and space from your former loved ones |
| INSECURE | This form of attachment has three types: |
| Anxious-Preoccupied | You may feel worried about others leaving you, have an intense fear of rejection, or wish for the approval of others |
| Dismissive-avoidant | You may feel uncomfortable getting close to others, have difficulty expressing your feelings, or have a strong desire for alone time |
| Fearful-Avoidant | You may oscillate between an intense desire to be emotionally close to others and a need to take space from them |
What “Avoidant” Really Means
Both fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant styles have a deep-seated belief they cannot rely on others and must be self-sufficient to be safe. Both often develop from caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or inconsistent, teaching the child that seeking comfort is futile.
They both use deactivating strategies. These are mental and behavioral habits used to suppress attachment needs and create emotional distance (e.g., focusing on a partner’s flaws, avoiding vulnerability, idealizing independence).
The Inner World: Conflict vs. Conviction
The fundamental internal difference derives from how they process relationships in their inner worlds.
Fearful-Avoidant: The Internal Civil War
These people have high anxiety and high avoidance. They are caught in a push-pull dynamic. They have a strong, biological desire for intimacy and connection (high anxiety). They are simultaneously terrified of the vulnerability and potential hurt that intimacy brings (high avoidance).
Their internal monologue consists in part as “I want to be close to you, but I’m scared you’ll hurt me or I’ll be trapped. I feel unworthy of love.”
Dismissive-Avoidant: The Fortress of Self-Reliance
These people have low anxiety and high avoidance. These individuals will let you be around them, but will not let you in. They tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. As soon as things get serious, dismissive/avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off.
Suppressing the need for connection, they have learned to devalue intimacy and see it as unnecessary or a threat to their independence. They fear enmeshment and losing their sense of self.
Their internal monologue consists in part as “I don’t need anyone. Relationships are messy and a sign of weakness. I am better off on my own”.
Key Differences In Attachment Styles, Behavior, and Relationships
This table summarizes the main differences between these two styles [1] [2] [3].
| Feature | Fearful Avoidant | Dismissive Avoidant |
| View of Intimacy | Craved but feared; seen as both desirable and dangerous. | Devalued and seen as unnecessary; they prize independence above all |
| Motivation for Avoidance | Driven by fear of intimacy and rejection; internal conflict between wanting closeness and fearing it | Motivated by desire for independence and self-reliance; fears dependence and vulnerability. |
| Emotional Experience | Frequently experiences intense emotions and emotional turmoil (push-pull dynamics) Intense but chaotic; emotions can feel overwhelming and may come out in bursts. | Emotions are suppressed or downplayed; tends to appear emotionally distant or detached Suppressed and compartmentalized; emotions are seen as irrational and are often minimized. |
| Self-View | Often has low self-esteem and negative self-worth; feels unlovable or unworthy | Generally has a high self-view and sees self as confident and independent Overly positive; sees themselves as strong, independent, and self-sufficient. |
| View of Others | Unpredictable and potentially hurtful, but also desired as a source of validation. | Often seen as needy, demanding, or incompetent. |
| Trust and Vulnerability | Struggles with trusting others due to past trauma; vacillates between closeness and withdrawal | Does not easily trust others and avoids emotional vulnerability to remain self-sufficient |
| Relationship Pattern | Inconsistent and emotionally volatile; alternates between pursuing and avoiding intimacy (push-pull) | Consistently maintains distance; avoids deep connections and values autonomy |
| Ending Relationships | May be impulsive and dramatic, driven by a wave of anxiety and fear, potentially leading to regret. | Can appear cold and unfeeling; may detach and leave without a clear explanation, showing little emotion. |
| Response to Conflict | Manages conflict through emotional reactivity, outbursts, or withdrawals Highly volatile; may cycle between seeking reassurance and pushing away dramatically. Often feels overwhelmed. | Manages conflict by withdrawing or detaching.Logical; may shut down, stonewall, or physically leave the situation. |
How To Identify Your Style and Begin Healing
Consider these self-reflection questions:
For Fearful-Avoidant: Do you find yourself wishing for a partner? But you sabotage the relationship when they get too close? Do you feel unworthy of love?
For Dismissive-Avoidant: Do you feel contempt for people who seem “needy”? Do you feel your independence is constantly under threat in a relationship?
These are coping styles, and they can evolve. Building self-awareness, challenging core beliefs, and practicing vulnerability in safe, incremental steps are steps to healing. To explore these further, see the Attachment Project.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
While both styles avoid intimacy, Fearful-Avoidants are torn by conflict, while Dismissive-Avoidants have built a wall of self-reliance. Recognizing these patterns is the first and most courageous step toward building more secure, fulfilling connections with others and with oneself.
Therapy (especially attachment-focused or schema therapy) is a powerful tool for understanding the root of these patterns and creating new, secure models for relating. It can help strengthen emotional bonds, enhance coping skills, and reduce the long-term psychological impact of early adversity [1] [4].
Finding Support for Healing at Corner Canyon
Treatment for mental health conditions and trauma is available in Utah. Are you or a loved one looking for a compassionate space to heal from anxiety, trauma, PTSD, CPTSD, other mental health conditions, or addictions? Our licensed trauma-informed professional therapists and counselors at Corner Canyon Health Centers can provide compassionate help using a range of therapeutic and holistic techniques.
Reach out to our Admissions team now at Corner Canyon. We’re in a peaceful setting bordered by the beautiful Wasatch Mountains.
Sources
[1] Szeifert, N.et al. 2025. The mediating role of adult attachment styles between early traumas and suicidal behaviour. Sci Rep 15, 15855 (2025).
[2] The Attachment Project. 2024. Avoidant Attachment Style: Causes & Symptoms.
[3] Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2012). An attachment perspective on psychopathology. World psychiatry : official journal of the World Psychiatric Association (WPA), 11(1), 11–15.
[4] Daniel S. 2010. Adult Attachment Patterns and Individual Psychotherapy: A Review. FOCUS. Volume 8, Number 1. Psychiatry Online.
