Depression can be one of the most challenging things to help someone with because, given the “dark” headspace of depression, they are often not very responsive to help from others. Yet, one of the most important things you can do for your loved one is simply reassure them that you are there.
Yet that isn’t as simple as it sounds is it? Shame at “not feeling myself” is a central emotion in depression, and your caring support can help them feel validated. Read on to learn more about how you can support someone with depression.
Recognizing the Signs of Depression in Your Partner
Although you will likely notice if your partner is feeling “blue” or “down”, depression goes well beyond that. It’s important to recognize the type and signs of depression in your partner. There are several types [1]:
- Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) typically comes and goes with the arrival and departure of winter, with mild symptoms. Often called “the winter blahs”
- Major depression includes symptoms of depressed mood or loss of interest, most of the time for at least 2 weeks, that interfere with daily activities. A fairly dysfunctional state
- Persistent depressive disorder (also called dysthymia or dysthymic disorder) consists of less severe depression symptoms that last much longer, usually for at least 2 years. Milder than major depression but it wears you down consistently with little joy in life
- Bipolar disorder involves depressive episodes, as well as manic episodes (or less severe hypomanic episodes) with unusually elevated mood, greater irritability, or increased activity level. Very serious impact in both phases. Medical attention is required promptly
For the purposes of this article, I’ll refer to the signs of major depression [1] [2]:
Psychological Signs:
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
- Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
- Feelings of irritability, frustration‚ or restlessness
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
Cognitive and Behavioral Signs
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Withdrawing from family, friends, or social activities
- Neglecting responsibilities at home, work, or school
Physical Signs
- Fatigue, lack of energy, or feeling slowed down
- Difficulty sleeping, waking too early in the morning, or oversleeping
- Changes in appetite or unplanned weight changes
- Physical aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause that do not go away with treatment
More Serious Symptoms
- Severe impairment in day-to-day activities, social relationships, or occupational performance
- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, suicidal planning, or attempts
Ways to Support a Partner With Depression
Although it may feel overwhelming at first to support someone with depression, there are a number of specific things you can do to help that make a huge difference [4] [5]:
Learn About Depression
Depression has many shades and can be challenging to understand well. Do some reading and watch some videos to learn more about the illness and about ways to help.
- Educate yourself: Depression is not just “feeling sad.” It’s a complex medical illness with emotional, physical, and cognitive symptoms
- You are their partner, not their therapist: Provide love, stability, and practical support. You can’t “fix” them. Let the diagnosis and treatment be for the medical professionals. Your support is a critical part of their recovery ecosystem, but it’s not the only part
- Don’t take it personally: Their emotions and behavior are the depression talking, not how they feel about you
- Be patient: Recovery is not a straight line, with good days and bad days. Progress is usually slow, with setbacks. Your steady, patient presence is invaluable
Practical Ways to Offer Support
This is the most powerful tool you have as it opens the door for relational healing and your partner knowing “I am not alone”.
- Communication: Listening Without Fixing
It all begins with patient, close listening and then heartfelt sharing.
- Be an empathetic listener: Instead of offering solutions, just listen. Validate their feelings
- Say things like: “That sounds really difficult,” “I’m here with you,” or “I get that you feel this way”
- Ask open-ended questions: Instead of “Are you okay?” which invites a “yes/no” answer, try “How are you feeling today?”
- Be reassuring: Remind them you love them and are there for them, without demanding a response. A simple text like, “Just thinking of you and I love you, no need to reply” can mean the world
- Practical Support
Depression can make even small tasks feel overwhelming. A partner can make a big difference:
- Help with daily tasks: Do things without being asked. e.g., “I’m going to handle groceries and dinner today”
- Gently encourage basic self-care: Help them maintain a routine
- Suggest a short walk together. Invite them with “I’d love some company on a walk” rather than “You need to exercise”
- Offer to make a simple, healthy meal together
- Encourage a consistent sleep schedule by going to bed at the same time
- Encourage sticking with treatment. Help your partner remember to take prescribed medications and keep appointments
- Accompany them to appointments: Offer to take them to therapy or a doctor’s appointment and wait for them. This reduces the burden of going alone
- Emotional and Relational Support
This level of support, connecting on an emotional level, is very healing as it affirms to your partner who you are as a loving person, and in return mirrors who they are as they begin to regain their self-concept and positive feelings about life.
- Stay connected, even in small ways: Depression leads to isolation. Gently bridge the gap
- Sit with them in silence while you read or watch a calming show. Your presence alone is comforting
- Offer physical touch (a hug, holding their hand) if they are comfortable with it. Sometimes words are too much
- Find small moments of joy (without pressure): Don’t plan a big, overwhelming outing. Instead, suggest watching a funny movie, listening to a favorite album, or looking at old photos. Keep it low-key
- Help them challenge negative thoughts (gently): Depression lies. You can be a voice of reality
- If they say, “I’m a burden,” you can say, “I choose to be here with you because I love you. Supporting you is not a burden to me”
- Avoid arguing. Instead, offer a compassionate alternative perspective
What Not To Do When Your Partner Has Depression
Sometimes it’s hard to know what not to do as it can feel awkward for some to see your partner depressed and “not being their old self”. Don’t take their depression personally. It’s not a reflection on you.
- Avoid saying: “Just think positive!” “You should get more exercise,” or “But you have so much to be happy about.” This can feel dismissive
- Give ultimatums: “Snap out of it or I’m leaving.” This only increases shame and anxiety
- Blame Them: Don’t use language that suggests it’s their fault or a choice
- Try to Cure Them: You can’t. Your goal is to support, not to cure
Note about possible suicide: Don’t ever ignore if they express any thoughts of suicide. Take any talk of suicide or self-harm seriously. Ask directly: “Are you thinking about hurting yourself or ending your life?” This does not put the idea in their head. If they say yes, do not leave them alone. Call a crisis hotline (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or go to the nearest emergency room.
Taking Care of Yourself While Supporting Your Partner
Your self-care and healthy boundaries are key. It can be draining to support a partner with depression. You cannot pour from an empty cup and caregiver burnout happens to the best partners.
- Set healthy boundaries: Protecting your own well-being so you can show up as a better partner
- It’s okay to say: “I love you and I want to support you, but I don’t have the capacity to talk about this right now. Can we take a quiet break and come back to it after dinner?”
- Protect your own sleep, social life, and hobbies. You are an individual too
- Practice stress management: Walks, exercise, yoga, swimming, etc
- Seek your own support: You need a space to process your own feelings—frustration, sadness, fear
- Talk to a trusted friend: Or a family member
- Seeing a therapist for you. It’s a place to vent and develop healthy coping strategies
- Look for support groups for partners/family members of those with mental illness
- Do things for you: Create your own joy and fulfillment to look after your well-being
How Corner Canyon Health Centers in Utah Can Help
Treatment for mental health conditions and trauma is available in Utah. Are you or a loved one looking for a compassionate space to heal from anxiety, trauma, PTSD, CPTSD, other mental health conditions, or addictions? Our licensed trauma-informed professional therapists and counselors at Corner Canyon Health Centers can provide compassionate help using a range of therapeutic and holistic techniques.
Reach out to our Admissions team now at Corner Canyon. We’re in a peaceful setting bordered by the beautiful Wasatch Mountains.
Sources
[1] National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). 2024. Depression.
[2 ] Sawchuck C. Depression (Major Depressive Disorder). 2022. MayoClinic.org.
[3] Wolff J. 2022. Supporting a loved one experiencing depression. MayoClinic.org.
[4] Bernstein S. 2023. How to Help a Depressed Spouse. WebMD.
[5] Lee I. 2021. What to Do When You Love Someone with Depression. National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI).
