Many of us are all too familiar with relationship anxiety—the constant “what ifs,” the need for reassurance, the overanalyzing of texts, the fear of being “too much” or not enough. While these feelings can be common, for others, they can become overwhelming and out of control.
It can be exhausting to feel this, casting doubt on even the happiest of moments and leading to feelings of isolation. But relationship anxiety doesn’t have to be all negative or a permanent thing. It can actually be helpful as it picks up on potential threats to what we most care about.
By understanding the roots of your anxiety and implementing certain tools, you can break the cycle and build a foundation of security, finally putting this anxiety in the past. Read on to learn more about what may cause it and ways to overcome anxiety.
Understanding the “Why” – The Roots of Your Anxiety
Relationship anxiety is frequently more about our internal world than our partner’s actions. Some of the causes include [1] [2] [3]:
Anxiety: If you experience generalized anxiety disorder, then this may be reflected in constant worry about your relationships of all types.
Attachment Styles: An anxious attachment style, usually formed in childhood, can lead to being highly sensitive to any emotional distance from your partner, cues of rejection, a deep-seated fear of abandonment, and a need for regular assurance.
Past Hurts: Previous betrayals, breakups, or dysfunctional relationships have created neural pathways that expect pain.
Low Self-Esteem: Constantly second-guessing yourself with the belief that you are unlovable can be felt as a fear your partner will inevitably discover this “truth” and leave.
Transition: Understanding these patterns is the first step toward freedom from anxiety, as patterns can be changed.
Practical Strategies to Heal
There are several practical things you can do to heal from relationship anxiety [1] [2] [3].
Turn Inward: Befriend Your Anxious Mind
- Practice mindfulness and naming: Rather than fight the feeling, observe it without judgment. Looking at your anxiety from a different perspective can help you cope with it. “I notice a feeling of anxiety in my body.” This separates you and the emotion.
- Challenge the “story”: When an anxious thought arises (“They’re going to leave me”), treat it as a possibility, not a fact. Ask: “What is the evidence for and against this?”
- Self-soothing techniques: Make a list for when anxiety spikes: deep breathing (4-7-8 technique), a cold splash of water, going for a brisk walk, holding an ice cube.
Communicate with Clarity, Not Accusation
- Shift from “You” to “I”: Instead of “You never text me back,” try “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you for a long time, and my mind starts to worry. Could we talk about what ways of communicating feel good for both of us?”
- Share with your partner: Despite your fears, openly sharing what you’re going through with your partner can go a long way. Opening up can also create the space to shift your attachment style — giving you new experiences that heal what you learned as a child.
- Ask for specific reassurance: Vague pleas for reassurance don’t work. Be specific: “Could you just tell me that everything is okay between us?” This gives your partner a clear way to support you.
- Develop a Strong Emotional Vocabulary: We all know the common emotions: sad, upset, angry, excited, happy. Develop the language of other emotions as well: frustrated, hurt, disappointed, confused, conflicted, insulted, lost.
- Set stronger limits: Healthy boundaries are the key to solid relationships. You may need to set new limits and boundaries or choose different relationships.
- Schedule “worry time”: Give your anxieties a designated 15-minute window each day. When they pop up outside that time, gently tell yourself, “I will deal with you during my worry time.”
Build a Secure Foundation Within Yourself
- Invest in your own life: Nurture your hobbies, friendships, and goals outside the relationship. This reduces co-dependency and reinforces your identity.
- Practice self-compassion: Talk to yourself as you would a scared friend. “This is really hard right now, and it’s okay to feel this way. You are doing your best.”
- Practice courage: Develop this strength, which is necessary in every relationship.
- Congratulate yourself on small steps: Were you able to calm yourself down without seeking reassurance? These steps develop confidence.
Know When to Seek Professional Support
- Consider therapy: Working with a therapist can help you explore your anxiety and its origins. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you to reframe negative thoughts.
- It’s a sign of strength: Take this important step toward managing your anxiety and improving your life and your relationship.
A Future of Secure Connection
Progress isn’t linear. There will be good days and challenging days, but each time you use one of the tools, you are weakening anxiety’s grip.
The ultimate goal is to become a more secure person within your relationships, not to find a perfect, anxiety-free relationship, but. By doing this work, you are not just saving your current relationship; you are healing yourself for a lifetime of healthier, more joyful connections. The past does not have to define your future.
Finding Support for Healing at Corner Canyon
Treatment for mental health conditions and trauma is available in Utah. Are you or a loved one looking for a compassionate space to heal from anxiety, trauma, PTSD, CPTSD, other mental health conditions, or addictions? Our licensed trauma-informed professional therapists and counselors at Corner Canyon Health Centers can provide compassionate help using a range of therapeutic and holistic techniques.
Reach out to our Admissions team now at Corner Canyon. We’re in a peaceful setting bordered by the beautiful Wasatch Mountains.
Sources
[1] McGrath, P. 2024. The ultimate guide to relationship anxiety–and how to overcome it. Treatmyocd.com
[2] Integrativepsych.co. nd. Anxious In Love: 9 Ways to Reduce Relationship Anxiety.
[3] Clark, A. nd. 13 Tips From A Psychologist For When A Relationship Causes Anxiety. Aliciaclarkpsyd.com
