Trauma bonding is all about attachment, when a victim or target (usually, but not always, women) becomes attached to their abuser. It’s a psychological response to ongoing abuse. Paradoxically, it is combined with gestures of kindness or even affection. Creating extreme emotional dependency and confusion for the target, trauma bonding can be very challenging to deal with, break free from, and heal.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
The strong, unhealthy attachment formed between a victim (a target) and an abuser, trauma bonding typically occurs within relationships with cycles of abuse in which the target often has insecure attachment. This may be with a romantic partner, a friend, or between abusive parents and their children, among others.
Repeated cycles of mistreatment are followed by remorse, affection, or promises to change by the abuser. In doing so, the abuser positively reinforces the target to stay in the relationship, as these experiences can bring about emotional dependency and loyalty, making it very difficult for the target to break free from the relationship.
This makes the target crave the emotional reward and stay, despite ongoing harm. Read on to learn more about this challenging dynamic.
The Psychology Behind Trauma Bonds
The roots of trauma bonding lie in attachment, the primary responses of a child to its caregivers as it seeks safety. As infants and children, we develop attachments for survival and growth. And as adults we create attachments to loved ones and friends for love and support [1].
If an adult experiences a threat to safety, they naturally look to a caregiver figure for support, protection, and care. If this bonding occurs, oxytocin (the “love hormone”) floods our brains. This deepens the feelings of comfort and attachment with the caregiver. And the “caregiver” in adult relationships is often our partner.
Personality characteristics of targets typically include:
- Low self-esteem
- Empathetic and forgiving
- Isolated
- Loyal in crisis
- Fear-based attachment
Personality characteristics of abusers typically include:
- Cycle of abuse
- Manipulative and controlling
- Intermittent reinforcement
- Lacks empathy
- Entitled and narcissistic
Trauma bonds develop in a cycle of four key stages [2]:
- Tension building: Stress builds and anxiety and fear grow. The abuser may become more controlling, critical, or irritable.
- Incident: Tension may result in an abusive incident, either psychological, emotional or physical. Aggressive behavior, threats, or violence may be involved.
- Reconciliation: Abuser often wants to reconcile after the event. Displays remorse, affection, and promises to change. Target feels hopeful as this contrasts with stage 2.
- Calm: Temporary as the relationship appears to stabilize.
Yet the underlying issues are unresolved and phase 1 is likely to begin again as tension builds in response to a similar or unrelated incident.
The 7 stages of trauma bonding clearly illustrate what can be a long circular process [3]:
- Love bombing: A coercive, manipulative tactic used to swiftly gain dependence and trust in a relationship by showering the target with affection and kindness.
- Trust and Dependency: The abuser creates dependence with excessive affection and gains control.
- Criticism and Devaluation: The abuser now begins to criticize and devalue the target. Used to feeling praised and admired, the target now yearns for the approval they once had.
- Manipulation and Gaslighting: The abuser makes the target doubt their sense of perception, memories, reality, and self, gaining further control. This is common with abusers who have narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic personalities.
- Resignation and Giving Up: The target feels emotionally exhausted, forcing them into resignation and acceptance of the trauma bond. The target becomes increasingly dependent on the abuser, emotionally or financially. Despite being aware of the abuse, their self-esteem is now at an all-time low, and they see no option for an exit strategy.
- Loss of Self: The target now may feel in constant emotional distress and disconnected from who they once were. They can’t imagine returning to their former world.
- Emotional Addiction to the Trauma Bond Cycle: The target is now conditioned to endure abuse to regain positive reinforcement. Leaving the abusive relationship is even more of a challenge as the target is committed to the idea that they are to blame.
Signs You May Be Experiencing a Trauma Bond
The dynamics of trauma bonding involve a number of psychological processes, all contributing to the victimization of the target. These go far beyond standard relationship difficulties between couples or friends. If you or someone you know recognizes these then they are likely in a trauma bond [2]:
- Intimidation: The abuser instills fear in the target with physical threats, destruction of property, or verbal abuse. Constant fear ties the target to the abuser.
- Fear-mongering: Abusers use physical threats or actual violence and unpredictable behavior to maintain control and paralyze the target. This makes it seem safer to stay than risk leaving.
- Coercion: The abuser uses threats and blackmail of the target and their family or friends to force the target to comply with the abuser’s demands. The target believes that compliance is the only way to avoid further harm to someone.
- Emotional manipulation: Alternating between the abuser’s abusive behavior and expressions of love, remorse, or even kindness, makes the target seek the positive moments and blame themselves for the negative ones. They cling to the abuser as the only stable presence in their life.
- Gaslighting: The abuser makes the target doubt their own perceptions and memories and even their own sanity, leaving them confused and insecure.
- Isolation: The abuser increases the target’s reliance on them by cutting them off from family, friends, and support networks.
- Codependency: The target is made to feel they are incapable of managing their finances and other resources without the abuser as the abuser breaks down the target’s self-esteem and autonomy.
Some statements a target in a trauma bond might say include:
- “He behaves that way because he loves me so much, but you wouldn’t understand.”
- “She’s got a lot of work pressure these days so she can’t help it. She’ll make up later.”
- “You’re just jealous. He’s the love of my life and I’m not leaving him.”
- “It’s all my fault. I made him upset.”
How Trauma Bonding Affects Mental Health
Withdrawal from a trauma bond takes many forms, including [4]:
- Confusion: Unclear feelings about the abuser.
- Self-doubt: Internalized feelings of self-blame for their abuser’s actions.
- Cravings for the abuser: To return to the “high” of attachment.
- Fear of abandonment: Believing people will leave them.
- Guilt and self-blame: They may blame themselves for leaving and for their abuser’s actions.
- Isolation: Due to shame and loss, they may isolate from family and friends.
The constant stress and anxiety of a trauma bond can have serious effects on mental health. A key impact relates to the overproduction of the stress hormone cortisol. Usually released in response to stress, an excess can damage our immune system.
As well, it increases susceptibility to illness, causes anxiety, and contributes to high blood pressure. In addition trauma can lead to a number of physical health ailments including asthma, fibromyalgia, sexual dysfunction, flashbacks, and depression [1].
Complex mental health conditions can also result from trauma bonding, including:
- Chronic anxiety, depression, and PTSD: Fear, sadness, and intrusive memories may persist and interfere with daily life.
- Low esteem and identity issues: Targets may have negative self-worth and feel lost or disconnected their core self.
- Difficulty trusting others: Fearing betrayal, targets may mistrust developing new relationships.
- Social isolation and withdrawal: Feeling ashamed or misunderstood, targets may create distance from family or friends. Lacking support networks, this can revive the cycle of abuse.
There is hope for those targets who are able to free themselves, as it’s possible to reconstruct their sense of self and build a new life.
Breaking Free: Treatment and Support Options
Once the target acknowledges they are in an abusive relationship, and is ready to regain their life and move forward, there are a number of steps to take. To break free from a trauma bond requires courage and patience as the process takes time. Here are some of the elements involved:
Safety Plan
This is essential when someone is planning to leave an abusive relationship. It includes gathering relevant documents, finding emergency funds, planning an escape route, and identifying trusted people who can help. Having a strong network can be very helpful with practical help and emotional support.
Trauma-informed Therapy
Working with a therapist who has experience with trauma-bonding is key, as the experience is so painful and the issues to work on are so many and deep. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) are all evidence-based approaches that may be used.
Group Therapy
A therapist-led group of others who have experienced trauma bonding can be very helpful. It allows a safe space to work through material.
Support Groups:
Sharing experiences of trauma bonding with others who have experienced this is very important. It helps break down the isolation and provides a space of encouragement from others.
Self-Care
Working daily on some of these items can go a long way to re-establishing a sense of self [2] [5].
- Focus on the present
- Focus on the evidence
- Set boundaries in your relationships
- Practice positive self-talk
- Practice self-care and self-compassion
- Do mindfulness meditation and breathwork
- Write daily in a gratitude journal
- Focus on your strengths and achievements
- Pick up your hobbies and personal interests again
- Identify healthy relationships and seeking them out
How Corner Canyon Health Centers in Utah Can Help
Treatment for mental health conditions and trauma is available in Utah. Are you or a loved one looking for a compassionate space to heal from anxiety, trauma, PTSD, CPTSD, other mental health conditions, or addictions? Our licensed trauma-informed professional therapists and counselors at Corner Canyon Health Centers can provide compassionate help using a range of therapeutic and holistic techniques.
Reach out to our Admissions team now at Corner Canyon. We’re in a peaceful setting bordered by the beautiful Wasatch Mountains.
Sources
[1] National Domestic Violence Hotline. nd. Identifying & Overcoming Trauma Bonds.
[2] STAR Network. 2024. Trauma Bonding: Exploring the Psychological Effects of Abuse. cptsdfoundation.org
[3] The Attachment Project. nd. The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding.
[4] The Attachment Project. nd. Trauma Bond Withdrawal Symptoms: What They Are and How to Cope.
[5] Zoppi L. 2023. Trauma bonding explained. MedicalNewsToday.
